Scratch and Miff

Right before Thanksgiving this year, my son decided to reach up during bedtime story and give Mommy a big old scratch on her face. Then he laughed and I gave him a million kisses because he is just so cute! I had a fine pinkish scratch about 2 inches long on my jawline. No big deal, right? Wrong. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a person makes a comment to another person about something unattractive about their physical person that they cannot immediately change. Let me explain:

Acceptable: "Hey hot stuff, you have mustard on your lip." I can wipe that mustard right off!

NOT Acceptable: "Oh no! Is that a pimple?" Yes, it's a pimple, and you're a f&$*ing d-bag.

Acceptable: "You have one of one of those annoying prickly plant parts stuck to your coat. Let me get that for you." How nice!

NOT Acceptable: "What happened to your face?" What happened to YOUR face?

I had way too many people ask me what happened to my face. WAY too many. You can try to convince me that they were trying to be nice and were concerned for the well being of my face, but your efforts will be in vain. Vain, I say! Being polite means pretending that pimples, scratches, sores, eye redness, questionable fashion choices, signs of fatigue, unwanted facial hair, terrible names of unborn babies that have already been decided upon, wrinkles, blushing, sunburn, ingrown hairs, ugly tattoos, stained clothing, chapped lips, cowlicks, rashes, scars, amputations, etc. do NOT exist, and NOT commenting on them.

This object could be used for keys, jewelry, or scratching people who annoy me.

Sold.

Ash Stray

Ashtray the Wheezing Dog just made your nasty habit even nastier. Happy Friday to everyone, including smokers... I guess.

$20

Grouch Pooch

Hey, it's Monday, but at least you don't have twins to care for.

Everyone here looks pretty dour.

The pups are chained up. The mom is chained down.

Everyone is wearing a frown.

Someone took the time. Someone made this dog scene.

Affixed some chains. Glazed it green.

Do you need a tsotchke made decades ago?

For the price, please see below.

$8

Open Your Owls

I already used up my amazing owl-pellet-romance-frustration story on another post. What am I going to do? I had such a hoot doing the other one. This strigine object will open bottles for you in style, but only at night.

Hot and Cold

It's Fall, so it's getting a little chilly. But, what if you couldn't feel temperature? What if you were born without the ability to distinguish between ice and water? Between a popsicle and cheese sauce? Between sheet metal and your own face? That would be terrible. You would need this thermometer to tell you that it was Fall. Otherwise, you wouldn't know it was Fall... wait for it... at all!

$8

Cock a Doodle Doo

What could possibly be better than two people who love each other? Two blue roosters that love each other and are featured on this lovely enameled metal napkin holder. Now if only they could legally get hitched, this whole situation would be near perfect. Imagine it: You have a great place to put your napkins, your guests are impressed, and love knows no bounds.

Also, if you're a Saints fan, you can be Fleur de Lys-ing it up and removing the filth from your hands and face at the same time! WHO DAT?!

Hipposuction

-Special Guest Post by Notoreus DaD-

I love pets. Here is a pet you can keep in the bathroom and you can name it. I favor Lippo the Hippo. Lippo is a bright sunny color, just what you need morning and evening when brushing the teeth. Bedtime and getting up are sometimes a touch melancholy and Lippo will cheer you. And, if you have a little one around you can use Lippo's adorable two toofies to teach the little one to brush their own; "See! I'm brushing Lippo's toofies! Now we can try yours!" Pet, toofbrush holder, sunny cheer and happy teaching aid - this will do it all for you.

$5

Old Yellow

This hand-sized canine is for displaying very small flower arrangements, but I can do better than that. I would use her to display HUGE flower arrangements. I can safely assume that her shy expression will not change as I pile on and pile up my floral creation. Look at those eyebrows! I know any woman with eyebrows like that can stand up to any amount of petal power.

Now, I have a question. Can a dog have a sheepish expression? It doesn't matter, because this isn't a dog. It's a vaguely anthropomorphized ceramic representation of a dog, most likely a cocker spaniel, and designed to make your jaw weaken with its precious-osity. This dog's expression is distinctly ovine, and cute in a way that is unfair.

$5

Rabbit. Grab it!

This bunny guy is designed to hold cotton trip in his body cavity. You just coil up and shove in as much as you can, leaving the end to stick out like it's his fluffy wil' tail. Then you just pull off what you need for whatever you need (Please don't tell me. I don't want to know.) until he is totally empty inside. And repeat.

Here on Found of You, I love to explore an object's destinies outside of its predetermined uses. So many objects get stuffed into their little boxes, literally and figuratively, because someone has decided that they are used for this or that purpose. They get stereotyped into being an "apple corer", a "nail clipper", or "bubble wrap" when we could also be thinking "foot massager", "bang trimmer", or "pants". So, if you're saying, "I don't use cotton trip. I don't need this bunny wunny around me," maybe you should instead be saying, "I really need a place to store some watch batteries and steel wool, or I could give this to my Mom as an accessory for her window planters, or my girlfriend has been saying she wants a Rabbit."

Personally, I think this handsome hare here is reason enough to start incorporating more cotton trip into your day to day existence. If you have suggestions on how to do this, please leave them in the comments here or on Facebook.

$10

Owl Right Now, I Said Owl Right Now

When I was in 5th grade, we dissected owl pellets for science class. I remember thinking they smelled terrible, but then later realizing it was one of my group member's breath. Still, I will always think of owl pellets as smelling like poopy asparagus yogurt, which is too bad. They might have a lovely odor. One of my group members (not with the breath) was a boy I loved, who did not love me back. I "accidentally" touched his hand, thinking I could brush it and get my fix of him, but once our skins met I couldn't control myself; I couldn't pull my hand off his. He recoiled in icy disgust, displaying his snowy canines as his lips curled up into his pallid nostrils as he said, "EEWWWWW." He's married now, to someone way prettier than me, so there you go. And, we found a mouse skull in the pellet.

This owl doesn't make pellets, so you, unlike me, will be safe from heartbreak, especially if you use it to display flowers, breadsticks, magic wands, or for pouring hot maple syrup at breakfast for 50.

P.S. OMG his foots!!! Totally cute.

$20

Stay, Cheese!

This cheese house features a sassy mouse. He is wearing a dapper vest, but not a blouse. His bow tie is wee enough for a louse. If you can't justify buying this for yourself, don't grouse! Just buy it for your spouse. My spouse in interested in Bauhaus, but not so much the music of Strauss. He is not that into classical music, but I think my Middle School Math teacher may have been. Her name was Ms. Prowse.

This cheese stand has an interesting feature, though. It has a place underneath in which to pour H2O. It keeps your cheese from feeling low by keeping it from drying out. Cool, right!? I know!

$8

You Make Me Wanna Snoop

You can see through these jars, so make sure not to hide anything in them. That would be stupid. Everyone would be able to see what you had put there, and you wouldn't be hiding anything. At all. Get with the program and use these for things you want everyone to see, like candy, cotton balls, and Metamucil. If you were Michelle Duggar, you could fill one up with your kids' baby teeth.

Rainbow pair - Sold.

"Goodies" $10

Meow Do You Do?

This man here is a kitty treat receptacle. Much like a real cat, when you tip back this cute guy's head to get something out, he meows. He takes two AA batteries, which is not so much like a real cat.

Please try not to feel constrained by the labels and imagery going on here. Yes, the cat is holding a fish and has a mouse in his pocket, but these are the sorts of treats he must catch himself. You need only buy kitty treats from the pet store to fill his pleasantly burgeoning belly. If you want to go CRAZY, don't even put cat treats in here even though it is clearly labeled for the purpose of cat treating. Put whatever in there. I certainly won't tell.

$7 (discounted from $10)

Lion's Brew

My husband found this striking Lowenbrau German Beer sign in someone's garage under a stack of Playboys so old that there weren't even any pictures of naked ladies in them. There were just drawings of naked women. No nipples. My favorite thing about this sign is that it looks like it's glowing all the time, no matter how much or what type of light is on it. It probably has some crazy chemicals in it. Put it in your kid's beer themed bedroom, or be selfish and get it for your bodacious game room or your subtly irreverent dining room.

$20 (discounted from $30)

Magical Wax

Unicorns aren't real, so does this candle really exist? It sure does, and if you are a child of the 80s, you are feeling a bit nostalgic right now. Unicorns are awesome.

People who might enjoy this would be the aforementioned 80s children, young girls, older girls, men who like unicorns, and anyone who desires to see a unicorn melt.

$5