Scratch and Miff

Right before Thanksgiving this year, my son decided to reach up during bedtime story and give Mommy a big old scratch on her face. Then he laughed and I gave him a million kisses because he is just so cute! I had a fine pinkish scratch about 2 inches long on my jawline. No big deal, right? Wrong. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a person makes a comment to another person about something unattractive about their physical person that they cannot immediately change. Let me explain:

Acceptable: "Hey hot stuff, you have mustard on your lip." I can wipe that mustard right off!

NOT Acceptable: "Oh no! Is that a pimple?" Yes, it's a pimple, and you're a f&$*ing d-bag.

Acceptable: "You have one of one of those annoying prickly plant parts stuck to your coat. Let me get that for you." How nice!

NOT Acceptable: "What happened to your face?" What happened to YOUR face?

I had way too many people ask me what happened to my face. WAY too many. You can try to convince me that they were trying to be nice and were concerned for the well being of my face, but your efforts will be in vain. Vain, I say! Being polite means pretending that pimples, scratches, sores, eye redness, questionable fashion choices, signs of fatigue, unwanted facial hair, terrible names of unborn babies that have already been decided upon, wrinkles, blushing, sunburn, ingrown hairs, ugly tattoos, stained clothing, chapped lips, cowlicks, rashes, scars, amputations, etc. do NOT exist, and NOT commenting on them.

This object could be used for keys, jewelry, or scratching people who annoy me.

Sold.

Hot and Cold

It's Fall, so it's getting a little chilly. But, what if you couldn't feel temperature? What if you were born without the ability to distinguish between ice and water? Between a popsicle and cheese sauce? Between sheet metal and your own face? That would be terrible. You would need this thermometer to tell you that it was Fall. Otherwise, you wouldn't know it was Fall... wait for it... at all!

$8

Year Around

This is the best coke tray I've ever found. It's in excellent condition. It has a really chipper looking young lady on it. The best part is that around the edges are all sorts of fun seasonal things. We begin at the top left with rodeo, moving down around the tray through football, Halloween, and on to skiing, all the way around to wedding cakes and beach scenes. To top it off, the tray invites you to "Have a Coke", politely but firmly informing you that "Thirst knows no season."

This tray is so perfect, it's making me feel pretty bad about myself.

$20

Spelunking

Please be gentle and take care not to disturb the stalac-tights on your journey in the gaping unknown. Also, Happy Friday.

12x18, I think.

$5

The Key to a Good Relationship

It was a beautiful weekend here in the Bay Area. The sun was singing, the birds were shining, and at night The City twinkled with abandon in the distance. The lovely couple depicted here chose to go sailing. You can tell that they hate each other: sitting straight, facing forward, not speaking. It didn't use to be this way! They just got in too many fights over misplaced keys.

Avoid being like this couple, afloat in a sea, and in a sea of despair: Always have a designated place to put your keys, and always put your keys in the designated place.

$5

Ceramic Panic

This unique 10" decorative plate looks like a former spritzdekor piece that got in a huge fight with its parents and got a bunch of tough looking tattoos to "show" them they don't need parents. So there. Goodbye, stark lines of German heritage. Hello, secret garden of desire.

You can, staring into this piece like a lunatic, imagine you are in a bewitched green house, looking up through veils of black, menacing flowers and half-skeletal strawberries. You are catching glimpses of blue sky through high windows and tangles of magical vines, but you'll never reach it, because the plants are closing in on you. Your allergies kick in. You sneeze, and you don't have a tissue. Bummer. Now Neville Longebottom, esteemed Professor of Herbology, is going to think you are totally lame.

$10

Boop Job

You're a masculine sort of guy. You definitely want a mirror in your bathroom, but you don't want anyone to know it's there. I mean, what would the guys think of you when they came over for your weekly Bunco and cocktail night? But, You're tired of getting that little powder compact out of your vanity table every single time you check your teeth for food boogers and your pores for imperfections. Betty to the rescue! She'll keep your secret, just as long as you keep hers.

In Bunches

These bananas claim to have been made in California, which is pretty special, because bananas don't grow that well in California. They're totally inedible, though, so don't even try. Put them in your kitchen, but not on the counter. They should go on the wall. You could put flowers in them, but I think bananas would look sort of stupid with flowers in them, so I brainstormed some other ideas for using these vaguely hand looking tropical fruit shaped wall pockets*:

-Toothbrush holder (in the bathroom or wherever you use a toothbrush)

-Chopstick holder (hopefully not in the bathroom)

-Pencil or Pen holder

-Cash

-Xanax and airline booze

It could just be decorative, too. Bananas are lazy, so don't make them work too hard.

*It's a pocket that you hang on the wall, genius.

$20

The Best Guest

The problem with this snarky sign is that most likely, people won't know who they are. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the guests who bring happiness by coming will think they are the ones who bring happiness by leaving, and they might leave, which would make you sad. Alternately, guests who you want to leave are obviously clueless (they won't leave no matter how many times you yawn, look at the clock, and change into your pajamas), and will think they bring happiness by coming, and will stay longer. Maybe even forever. Or they will come more often. Like everyday. This would be terrible.

Have I sold you on having this sign in your home or what?!

$5

Lion's Brew

My husband found this striking Lowenbrau German Beer sign in someone's garage under a stack of Playboys so old that there weren't even any pictures of naked ladies in them. There were just drawings of naked women. No nipples. My favorite thing about this sign is that it looks like it's glowing all the time, no matter how much or what type of light is on it. It probably has some crazy chemicals in it. Put it in your kid's beer themed bedroom, or be selfish and get it for your bodacious game room or your subtly irreverent dining room.

$20 (discounted from $30)

Fall on the Wall

Each of these leaves will cover my whole entire face. That's how big they are. You know that fun game where someone says, "Hey best friend, did you know that if you can cover your whole entire face with your hand, it means you're stupid?" Do you know how it ends? Let's just say if you played it with these, it would really hurt your face. No one was around when I did the face experiment. I felt it would be safer that way.

These black metal leaf-iform wall mountable candle holders are large and striking. Word to your mother. Really. Tell your mother about these lovely objects. It will give you something to talk about this Sunday.

Starry Starry Needlepoint

This is not your Grandmother's needlepoint! This is your cool aunt from Mendocino's needlepoint. I didn't crop the flats of water out of this photo so that one could get an idea of the size of this lovely thing. It's big. It celebrates diversity. It celebrates the way the sky looks at night. It celebrates the 70s, on your wall, without saying word or making any loud celebration noises.

My husband found this in a wonderful old 70s infused home, complete with avocado green countertops and crusty, flattened shag carpet. Him and I have been living with it and loving it tenderly for a while, but we realize we can never give it what it deserves, which is wall space. Lots of wall space. We'd like to find it a nice home, with or without shag carpet.

Tray Chic

This art deco tray has a woman's face on it. I can't decide if she looks snooty or sexy, so it's up to you. Also up to you is what to put on her face. If you weren't planning to hang this on the wall, you could be using it as what it is: a tray. We have an 8"x14" space here, so you could fit a few drinks on her face. With clear glasses and clear drinks, you could still see her face. You could also keep her face on a dresser and adorn it with jewelry and hair baubles. Her face also wouldn't make a bad makeup tray in the bathroom, or a face to put your keys, wallet and cell phone. Did I say "face"? I meant to say face. That's right.

Over the Moon

This Texas Ware plate is for someone who loves space. When I think about space, I get frightened. It's so big and has no end! I could get sucked out there one day and never be able to come back, like in Star Trek Voyager. The other day my husband asked me if I ever think about the fact that pretty soon, a huge earthquake will probably kill tons of us and change life as we know it for the rest of us. I said I prefer not to think about it, and that's how I feel about space. It's just too scary for me.

It would also be an awesome present for someone who was born on July 28th, 1969, because that is when the historic event depicted here happened. I know this because it says so on the plate.

$10

Fake Nature

Do you love nature? If you do, then these whimsical Mexican wood carvings are for you. They are of nature. They depict lovely flowers, acorns, and even an insect! Nature, nature, nature.

Do you hate nature? Do you hate being outside in the sunshine, wind, and fresh air? Do you hate bugs and dirt and activities that don't involve sitting? These wood carvings are for you. Hang them on your wall, and all the beauty of the outdoors will be in your home without all the hassle of leaving the house, packing a delicious picnic, or standing.

$40 (discounted from $60)

Sativa Diva

One of my favorite things about estate sales is seeing peoples' lives through their homes, and especially the objects they chose to surround themselves in these homes. Stuff says more about a person than they ever could if they were alive and standing in front of you.

My husband found this poster at an estate sale alongside many other relics of appreciation. Except for some pinholes at the edges, it's perfect. The man who enjoyed this poster puffed, puffed, and passed on, but we can still ascertain from this possession of his that he really loved his weed, so much so that he displayed his adoration on the wall in the form of a beautiful woman. Everyone who visited him could see it, and know. Know what? I think you know.

I think you know someone (as much as anyone can really know someone) who loves pot so much that they would want this poster. This is a good poster, man. I mean, look at Mary Jane here. That dress. That hair. Her feet have got to be so clean, and I bet she smells good.

Coked Up

I found these vintage coke trays separately: one at a church sale, and one in the bottom of a kitchen drawer at an estate sale. They were both sticky and disgusting, but now they are not, because I cleaned them with ammonia. I love ammonia. There are few things more satisfying than spending an evening with an ammonia and water solution, a sponge and some grimy thrift items.

Although they were found separately, I think these trays were destined to be together on a wall in someone's kitchen or dining room, but not mine, because my kitchen has no wall space, and my dining room is adorned with a poster of the vascular system that my mother thinks is disgusting to have displayed in an eating area.