Amoeba Booger Leaf

Holy mother of blobs! The designer of this glass dish surely had a child. This is what it looks like when a glop of pea puree hits the floor and does its thing.

And that, my dear friendlings, was my first reaction, proving that this plate is something you should really have in your home if you want to find out secrets about your loved ones and lovers. It is the veritable Rorschach ink blot of home decor. Depending on what guests to your home think of it, you can tell oodles about their personal lives. What haunts your imagination when you gaze into the nubbly shallows?

Constellations and Libations

To see stars, you either have to go outside, or get punched in the head*. The latter is definitely unpleasant, and the former is sometimes unpleasant, especially if it is chilly outside and you are one of those ridiculous people who is always cold and always asks hot-blooded me if I am cold and if I need a coat as though I were a child of five. That annoys me. Also, If I were five, I'd punch you in the head, because I was not cold then either.

Just keep your observations about my state of dress or undress to yourself and admire these highball glasses, complete with carrying case for your next stargazing excursion.

*For the purposes of this entry, these are the only two ways, although in reality there are many others.

$40

Stir It Cup

With its plethora of classic drink recipes around the outside, spoon, and strainer, this simple tool does not require much of you, unlike your stupid boyfriend or overbearing girlfriend. Tell he or she to go shake it up somewhere else while you peacefully stir up a glass-full of tasty awesome with your new vidrious friend. Now you're alone, but at least you've got a nice buzz going on and no one there who requires that you feign interest in some sports dude or how plaid is in for Fall but you know, not just any plaid. Screw plaid. Screwdriver!

$10

Specific Rim

I imagine this gold-rimmed pitcher and glass set being amazing at aiding and abetting your uncontrollable sangria habit. Invite some people over. If they weren't your friends before, they sure will be after you ply them with fruity wine laced with brandy. Sangria means "bloodletting". Bloodletting used to be a very popular remedy for whatever ails you. Headache? Cut you. Sniffles? Slice open that vein! Stab wound? Good for you. Lets all that nasty red stuff out. Since we don't commonly practice bloodletting anymore, let sangria be your substitute. Next time you have a hangnail, you'll be prepared. You're welcome.

$40

Keep Me Abreast

Do I even need to write something clever about this? No. No, I do not. Happy Friday, everyone!

Beer in Here

I've always admired the ferocity and unabashed loyalty of Raiders fans. Like this glass, they are clear about what they have going on inside, and will crush your skull if hurled hard enough. Drink the warm blood of your enemies from this hefty cup. I won't be able to join you. Black and silver really wash out my complexion.

$5