Elastic & Plastic

Oh, man! This 80s era plastic stretchy bracelet would have been such a great X-mas gift for your tweenage niece. You know, the one who likes to wear skinny pants, brag about how much her new industrial piercing hurt, and sext with High School boys on her brand new iDroidberry. It's too bad I didn't post this last week. You're so bummed.

Since this bracelet also looks like sleek, colorful, ambulatory slugs following each other around and around for all eternity, it would also be a great gift for that special someone you happen to believe you'll be spending the rest of your life with at this particular moment, provided that person likes colorful plastic jewelry, has a relatively dainty wrist, and no arm hair. I think this thing would really elicit some "ouches" on some hairy arm skin.

$5

Part of Your World

This bottle looks like a mermaid apartment building! In my dreams I can breathe underwater if I relax myself and concentrate on taking slow, deep breaths. It's similar to learning to breathe while snorkeling. My point is, if I were dreaming, I would love to live in this mermaid apartment building bottle under the sea, but in real life, I couldn't. I would drown.

$10

Scratch and Miff

Right before Thanksgiving this year, my son decided to reach up during bedtime story and give Mommy a big old scratch on her face. Then he laughed and I gave him a million kisses because he is just so cute! I had a fine pinkish scratch about 2 inches long on my jawline. No big deal, right? Wrong. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a person makes a comment to another person about something unattractive about their physical person that they cannot immediately change. Let me explain:

Acceptable: "Hey hot stuff, you have mustard on your lip." I can wipe that mustard right off!

NOT Acceptable: "Oh no! Is that a pimple?" Yes, it's a pimple, and you're a f&$*ing d-bag.

Acceptable: "You have one of one of those annoying prickly plant parts stuck to your coat. Let me get that for you." How nice!

NOT Acceptable: "What happened to your face?" What happened to YOUR face?

I had way too many people ask me what happened to my face. WAY too many. You can try to convince me that they were trying to be nice and were concerned for the well being of my face, but your efforts will be in vain. Vain, I say! Being polite means pretending that pimples, scratches, sores, eye redness, questionable fashion choices, signs of fatigue, unwanted facial hair, terrible names of unborn babies that have already been decided upon, wrinkles, blushing, sunburn, ingrown hairs, ugly tattoos, stained clothing, chapped lips, cowlicks, rashes, scars, amputations, etc. do NOT exist, and NOT commenting on them.

This object could be used for keys, jewelry, or scratching people who annoy me.

Sold.

Here's the Dish

I'll admit, I don't completely get this. I think I understand it on a surface level, but I feel like there has to be something deeper I'm missing. I'm not sure sure I recognize the significance of the various symbols integrated into this supersymbol of... I'm not sure! A lot of these symbols are not pointing the right way, but is that imperfect, or am I supposed to turn the dish? Ugh. I am so not perfect.

$5

Ash Stray

Ashtray the Wheezing Dog just made your nasty habit even nastier. Happy Friday to everyone, including smokers... I guess.

$20

Hand Over Hand

You can't hold up your books with your hands all day. Or can you? If you can, do, or any combination of can and do, I have two questions for you:

1) How strong are your arms??? Damn. The endurance you must have.

2) Do you have a job or friends or anything like that that would require abandoning your station at the bookcase?

If you had these bookends that look like hands, maybe you wouldn't be such a sad person with your big arms and shoulder discomfort and sleep deprivation.